intern year anthem

it's alright to cry

crying gets the sad out of you

it's alright to cry

it might make you feel better

it's alright to feel things

feelings are such real things

- rosey grier

match day 2012 in pictures

too fast, too furious

going back to where it all began: 4 more years at northwestern! 

tears of joy albeit really ugly tears

5th annual st. patrick's pub run

kitchen table wisdom

Just AB-SO-LUTE-LY loved every word from Rachel Naomi Remen's book. Powerful stuff.

The life in us is diminished by judgment far more frequently than by disease. Our own self-judgment or the judgment of other people can stifle our life force, its spontaneity and natural expression. Unfortunately, judgment is commonplace. It is as rare to find someone who loves us as we are as it is to find someone who loves themselves whole. 

Judgment does not only take the form of criticism. Approval is also a form of judgment. 

And just because. Here are some favorite photos of the rugrats over the holidays. Oh, how I miss these faces.

abigail, a face only a (god)mother could love | nov 2011

hooligans | nov 2011

sleepover | dec 2011

movies | dec 2011

my heart melts | dec 2011

new year, same ol' me

Death is terrifying because it is so ordinary. It happens all the time.

- Susan Cheever

The last time I was on service was July 2010, but I'm back on the wards in the medical ICU and getting into the swing of things: the short white coat, the patient presentations, the constant questioning and learning. Minus the part when I almost passed out while rounding with my entire team - for no reason - and was force fed juice boxes by the nurses - and had to be put down to bed in the resident call room - and then sent home early. No big deal.

However, the death and dying part still takes getting used to. There have been many lengthy conversations with families about end-of-life care, hospice/palliative care and patient care goals. And every day, I'm impressed by the compassion and thought that goes into both the care we give and the manner we handle these painful and devastating situations.

But it's still hard.

On Friday, I watched an 80-something year old Air Force veteran take his last breath after being extubated and taken off of the ventilator. It was a packed room: a wife, a son and daughter-in-law, a second son, a brother-in-law, a brother, a nephew and a chaplain.

He was with us for about 9 more hours, taking in shallow ragged breaths, and surrounded by those who knew and loved him deeply. However, his weakened lungs and body couldn't muster the energy to overcome the work of breathing. As his wife of 50+ years stroked his liver-spotted hand, just like that, he was no longer with us. I had never seen someone actively dying and so I asked to be in the room with the palliative care nurse, who was administering the medications to make him more comfortable and ease his pain and anxiety.

I'm not sure what exactly triggered them: the prayers, the burst of grief from the stricken wife who had just lost her life's companion, the thoughts of my own grandparents and loved ones with health problems. But no matter how hard I tried to contain them, the warm tears escaped and rolled down from the corners of my eyes. Unsure if my emotional reaction was appropriate, I stepped out of the room to let the family grieve in peace.

Deep down, I hope the death and dying part will always take getting used to.

politics pt. 2

The Chinese Lee: the Mayor of Truth.

If you know!

Really? Really.

politics as usual

I will be flying out on Sunday, September 11, 2011, which coincides with the 10th anniversary of 9/11 as well as the presidential elections in Guatemala. Don't ask me why I booked my ticket for that date. I don't know.

It's been interesting watching the campaign unfold over the past few months, especially since there are 10 presidential candidates still standing. The roads have been plastered with billboards and posters. Everything is painted over with slogans and logos: walls, homes, even rocks and trees. There are catchy jingles played through bullhorns atop pickup trucks. In Xela, I saw one political supporter dancing in a pickup truck bed decked out in a full-body furry black bear suit. It hasn't been all fun and games though: at least 35 activists or public office candidates have been murdered during this campaign season. 

The polls show retired general Otto Perez Molina of the Patriotic Party with a wide lead over his rivals, a man who was the army's intelligence director during the Guatemalan Civil War and a graduate of the School of the Americas. If he wins, he will be the first military man to become president since army rule ended in 1986. His party slogan of "Mano Duro" (Iron Fist) underneath a clenched fist over a bright orange background makes me a touch uncomfortable.

Patriotic Party | Iron Fist

Especially considering Guatemala's recent history of violence during its 1960-1996 civil war and similarly hard-line governments in the region:

"Iron-fist" policies, characterised by a repressive approach to violent crime, are all too familiar in Central America. They were enforced in El Salvador between 2004 and 2009 by then president Antonio Saca, and in Honduras from 2002 to 2006 by president Ricardo Maduro, both of whom were severely criticised by human rights organisations that accused them of excessive force and abuses against the civilian population in the name of security. . . .

If the PP adopted an iron-fisted approach, the country could see forced evictions, repression of social protests, and support for mining and hydroelectric initiatives to the detriment of local development, rights activist Samayoa said.

I hope there will be limited unrest in Guatemala during and after these elections.

"Politics, believe nothing."

"Danger! Political campaign."

Renewed Democratic Freedom Party | mayoral ad | "Yes you can!" 

Rigoberta Menchu, 1992 Nobel Peace Prize winner and
the only indigenous presidential candidate

"Politicians are shit. We're tired."

move | eat | learn

Excerpt from my personal statement for my residency application:

My travels have taken me all over the world from Bolivia to Iceland to East Africa. There are essentially two ways I explore a new city for the first time: by sweeping and by stepping. Sweeping comes first. I hop on a bus tour or hire a guide in order to get an overall sense of its history and culture. Stepping takes more time and effort, but this is how I truly get to know a city. It’s important to walk among the locals: eat where they eat, do what they do, step where they step. 

And man oh man, these 3 videos truly capture the beauty of travel: simple and true.

Move.

Eat.

Learn.

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

EAT from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

LEARN from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

ps. Sincerest thanks to my numerous editors and sounding-boards- couldn't have done it without yall!

family reunion

in two very short days:

My mother and sister land at La Aurora International in Guate City.

I will be reunited with two of my favorite ladies. No boys allowed!

We will commence a 4-day spree of eating, drinking and shopping.

Can you feel my excitement through the pixelated screen?!

PNKD family reunion | lakeview, MI | june 2011
i wish all of these ladies could have joined us.

julie do, you will be missed! (pictured in center)

and just because. me with cousin aspen.

-----
On repeat today: John Denver's "Country Roads," which is one of our family anthems. Because for whatever reason, it is my father's favorite American song: a man born in Nha Trang, Vietnam - who has only lived in Minnesota, Michigan and Texas in the US - who hates camping and has never been to West Virginia. 

open letter

To the random Guatemalan men from this morning:

I did notice the catcalls, the kissy faces and the whistles.

I was not asking for the attention.

But your brazen behavior did make me chuckle. 

So thanks for that on this beautiful Friday morning.

Regards,

Antoinette

ps. My sister says this is only because I look like a "tall-ish" Guatemalteca.
pps. An expat friend who lives in Guate says this is only because I look "gringa-ish" and/or "female-ish."

-----

Currently playing: Holst's "Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity" from The Planets Suite. Do yourself a favor and listen to the theme that starts at 3:05. goosebumps and chills. It brings back memories of when my senior year high school orchestra played this piece at Carnegie Hall. Has it really been 10 years?

sharing is caring

After reading about Warren Buffet's call for "shared sacrifice" from the super-rich in a recent opinion article in the NY Times, this quote struck a chord.

I think it’s important for us to live in an inclusive world. Excluding people for this reason or that is, in most cases, grossly unfair. I also think that the myth of the self-made man is exactly that, a myth. All of us are born under many conditions over which we had no control or no vote, i.e. where and when we were born, whether we were male or female, the color of our skin, our ethnicity, and our religion.  

-Thomas J. White, co-founder of Partners in Health

And this Aloe Blacc song never fails to strike a chord deep within. That voice. That plaintive plea. It worms its way into my soul. Every. Single. Time.

MOMENTS WITH ALOE BLACC, MIKI AND JAYBO: "I NEED A DOLLAR"

Happy Friday y'all!  Besos y abrazos de Guate!